Alveolar Cleft Repair: Part 2

 

Our Hospital Experience

We were so grateful to have a private room at JPCH, something we haven’t had the pleasure of experiencing in his previous surgeries!

There were a few added amenities which were a nice touch (such as a mini fridge, a desk and a double bed for a parent), and it was so nice to have a quiet space for our three days in the hospital. 

We made good use of the mini fridge, so we did not have to purchase any food while we were there.  We brought sliced meat, cheese, lettuce and tomatoes to make sandwiches for lunches, along with some veggies and fruit.  For suppers, I had baked a pizza at home, and brought along some slices.  We found a microwave in a communal family room at the hospital, so we warmed them up there.  I brought muffins and fruit for breakfast, and some extra snacks for throughout the day. 

 We settled into our room fairly quickly, and made sure Levi was comfortable in his space.  We had brought a variety of activities to keep him entertained, including new books, a few card games, an old iPod loaded with audio books and our Switch.  The Switch was by far the most popular activity, since we had specifically purchased Minecraft for just this purpose!  He’s quickly become a big fan!  His hospital room also had a screen with access to Netflix and Prime Video, where we found a couple movies to watch. 

When he wasn’t playing games or watching shows, he was doing his best to stay rested and hydrated.  He had an IV in his arm that allowed for a continuous fluid drip.  This ensured that he stayed hydrated despite a very sore and swollen mouth.  Once he was feeling up for it, he was allowed to start taking in some clear fluids.  This meant lots of apple juice! 

The technique for eating and drinking after an alveolar cleft repair means that Levi has to take everything in via a syringe.  The goal with this method is to avoid having any food touch the surgical site in his mouth.  The surgeon said there are about 100 stitches in his mouth, and we don’t want anything getting trapped in that area, or disturbing the graft site.  Since the surgical site is quite large and encompasses the roof of his mouth and the left side of his gum line, he uses a medical syringe with a soft piece of tubing attached to the end.  He tucks the tubing into the right side of his cheek, and swallows from there.  He can have anything to eat or drink, as long as it can go through the syringe.

The nurses were not very familiar with this type of surgery, and it turns out that there is nothing designed for this type of feeding, so we worked with the nursing staff to figure out a system that worked.  We experimented with different sizes of syringes and tubing until we came up with something that worked.  As a reference for any families with cleft kids, we discovered that a 60 mL syringe with a narrow end, paired with ¼” diameter soft blue surgical tubing worked the best.  They allowed us to cut the tubing to the length we needed, and sent us home with a roll of it so we would have enough to last for his whole liquid diet.  They also provided us with several extra syringes. 

During the process of figuring out the feeding system, we found that it was very important to advocate for ourselves and for Levi.  The nursing staff relied on us to tell them what worked for Levi and what didn’t, so it was important to speak up. 

We had a consultation with a dietician as well, which was very informative.  Levi’s liquid diet will last for three weeks, and it is important that we do our best to maintain his weight.  She discussed the importance of fat and protein to increase the calorie count in his meals.  Low fat liquids take up space in the stomach without actually providing needed nutrients.  She reminded us that there are taste buds all the way down a person’s throat, so it’s important that the foods we are giving Levi still taste delicious!  I will write a separate post about the recipes we are discovering as we learn about this liquid diet. 

On the day after surgery, Levi was upgraded to a full fluids diet (which is different than a clear fluids diet).  This meant that he could have some runny chocolate pudding, things like Ensure, and some strained soup.  He enjoyed having some ‘real’ food after such a long time!

Along with keeping Levi’s mouth healthy, we also had to keep an eye on the incision in his hip, where the bone graft was taken from.  His hip was quite sore to begin with, so we had him walk only as much as tolerated.  When the nurse changed the bandage and cleaned his incision, everything looked really good!  The incision is about 3” long, and seems to be healing well.  He’ll have a bandage over it for a couple weeks, and will avoid submerging it; only having sponge baths and careful showers for now.

His pain level was managed with Tylenol and Ketorolac (an NSAID, like ibuprofen, but a bit stronger), and he was also given antibiotics via his IV. 

At home, he is still taking regular Tylenol, but was given a prescription of Naproxen to replace the Ketorolac.  He is doing well with these pain meds, and says he has no pain in either his hip or his mouth.  He is sleeping well, and we are figuring out the meals that work best for him.   

It’s been a learning experience as we walk through this process.  I’m enjoying the challenge of creating delicious, healthy recipes for him, and we are forever impressed with the resilience Levi displays through all of these adventures!

Alveolar Cleft Repair: Part 1

 

The Surgery

We arrived at JPCH at the requested time of 11 am for check in.  Levi had been fasting (from both food and water) since 8 pm the night before, so he was slightly hungry and thirsty but was easily distracted by some card games and video games. 

We waited and waited for information until finally being told that his surgery wasn’t actually scheduled until 2 pm.  It was a bit discouraging, but we were prepared to wait, so we broke out more games. 

By around 1:00 Levi was incredibly hungry and we were all eager to get the show on the road!  At 1:30, we were brought into a room (the same room that he would recover in after his surgery), and waited for the surgical team to prep the surgical suite. 

Through all of this, Levi was incredibly calm and composed.  He continually impresses me with his strength in the face of uncertainty and fear.  He is one strong, brave kid.

Shortly before 3, we met with the surgeon, the anesthesiologist and the nurse.  They answered all of our questions, and brought us into the holding area where parents can say goodbye to their children before being rolled into the suite itself.  The surgeon said the surgery would take about 2 hours, and gave us all the final details of the surgery itself.  (We had learned all this information prior to this day, but for consent purposes, he had to repeat the information).  I signed consent, we prayed with Levi, and gave him a big hug.  Ryan and I were brought back to the family waiting room, and Levi was brought into the surgical suite.  

Ryan and I spent some time in prayer, then settled in to wait for the surgeon to come find us and give us a report.  

At 4:20, the surgeon came smiling into the family waiting room.  He was finished early and said that everything went incredibly smoothly.  He was very happy with how it all came together, which was so good to hear! 

We waited a little while for Levi to wake up from the anesthetic, then the nurse came to bring us into the recovery room.  Levi was pretty groggy, and a bit shaky but he came out of the anesthetic without any major complications. 

We were brought up onto the Pediatric ward, where there was some confusion as to what room he would need to be placed in.  The nurses on recovery did not realize that when a patient is sent up to the Peds ward with a PCA pump (patient-controlled analgesic pump) that the patient needs to be in an Observation room.  We got that figured out, and got Levi settled into his room.  He almost immediately relaxed into a nap, and rested for a good chunk of time. 

This allowed Ryan and I time to get our things organized in his room and prepare ourselves for the next stage of the process, which was recovery!

 

I will follow up this blog post with several others about this experience, including details about the procedure itself, our hospital stay and the recovery process at home.  Some of this information may not be of interest to the general public, but I hope to provide a resource for families who may go through this same experience in the future.  There are plenty of informational websites about the details of the procedure, but I found very little information about the process and recovery from people who had actually experienced it.  I hope that writing our experience out will be helpful to those searching for information!

Thanks for reading!

Levi's Next Major Surgery..

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve posted on this platform!  Life has gone by pretty smoothly in the last few years… except for that whole Covid thing.  Yikes. 

Anyway!  If you’ve followed along with our story, or know our family, you’ll know that the repair of Levi’s cleft lip and palate is not quite complete.  We’ve been waiting for one of his most major surgeries for a couple years now, and we finally have a surgery date! 

He is scheduled for his Alveolar Bone Graft surgery on Tuesday July 30, 2024.  We were told this surgery would happen when he was closer to the age of 9, and here we are… almost to age 11!  There are several factors for the delay… first is that he is quite a small-boned child, and they needed to have him put on some more bone mass before he could go through this rigorous surgery.  Secondly… Covid.  Yeah, the wait lists were astronomical.  So.  We’re finally here!  And we’re asking for all the prayers we can get. 

This is quite an involved surgery, which requires 2-3 days in the hospital, 3 weeks of a liquid diet, and 3 months of low physical activity. 

They will take a piece of bone from his hip, and use that bone to replace what is missing from his gum line.  (Currently, when he smiles, you’ll notice that he’s got a few teeth missing and things are a bit crooked.)  This surgery will replace the missing bone, and allow his adult teeth to have somewhere to grow!

Because I am not a surgeon, and I don’t want to misrepresent what is going to happen during his surgery, I’ve copied some information from the UPMC Children’s Hospital Alveolar Bone Graft page.

Fast Facts About Alveolar Bone Graft

·        Some children who are born with both a cleft lip and a cleft palate also have a problem with the alveolar bone, which makes up the gum ridge or front portion of the roof of the mouth. The alveolar bone is a thin layer of bone that forms the sockets around the roots of the upper teeth under the gum tissue.

• The alveolar bone graft is done several years after the child’s first cleft lip and cleft palate repairs.

·        When there is a cleft in the alveolar bone, it means there is a fistula or hole from the mouth to the nose. This cleft in the bone and gums prevents teeth from growing properly and the floor of the nose from developing normally. Fixing the cleft to allow for proper tooth development is important to a child’s health because missing teeth can have a negative effect on eating, digestion, facial growth and appearance.

• The timing of the alveolar bone graft is very important because it must be done as the child begins losing his or her baby teeth, before the permanent teeth come in.  

·        The alveolar bone graft repairs the hole in the gum ridge and stabilizes the bone arch, providing better support for the base of the nose and new bone for the roots of the developing teeth to grow into. The surgery usually is done when the child’s permanent canine teeth are three-quarters formed.

·        To do the bone graft, a piece of bone usually will be taken from your child’s iliac crest, the upper ridge of the hip bone. The doctor will make a 1- to 3-inch incision or cut in the skin just over the hip bone and in the bone itself to remove the inner portion of the bone. This part of the bone, called cancellous bone, is soft and pasty and can be shaped to form the patch that will close the hole in the alveolar bone. Gum tissue inside your child’s mouth then will be closed around the bone and sutures or stitches will hold the tissue in place as it heals. 

 

So, there you have it! 

 

The doctor said that the liquid diet takes a toll on these kids, as it is tough to maintain the right amount of protein, energy and fiber needed for a growing boy.  I’ve started researching recipes and ideas, but if you have any delicious ideas for nutritious milkshakes, smoothies or soups (which we can put through a blender)… I’ll take them!

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Our Unexpected Journey Continues...

As I sit here typing, I’m feeling the strong kicks and punches of our little one inside my womb.  I’m 34 weeks along with my second pregnancy, and I can honestly say that I didn’t expect to ever to say those words, or to feel these unique movements again.  This little one is a complete miracle, and I am so blessed to be able to carry such a special little life inside me.  For those of you who may have followed my blog over the last several years, you may recall hearing about some of our infertility story.  For those of you who are new to our story, here is a snapshot of our unexpected journey over the last several years.   

 

We had our first child, Levi, in 2013 after 2 years of trying.  He was our first little miracle, and we were so excited to become parents to our beautiful little boy.  We knew we wanted to provide a sibling for Levi, and started trying for baby #2 early in 2014, knowing it might take a little while.  We were not prepared for the roller coaster of emotions to follow, or the journey that God had planned for us. 

After trying for a full year without success, we started seeing our fertility specialists.  We started with several rounds of a basic fertility medication, combined with regular ultrasounds to determine follicle growth, etc.  This proved unsuccessful, and we felt we needed a break from the onslaught of doctor’s appointments and tests.  For the end of 2015, and the beginning of 2016, I began to pursue more natural alternatives for fertility.  I sought out an acupuncturist that specialized in fertility, started going to regular chiropractic treatments, and I drastically changed my diet.  I followed a diet that had a low Glycemic Index, with high fiber, high protein and low sugar foods.  The diet was not that difficult to follow (we still enjoy eating that way most of the time), and I noticed positive changes in my cycles and overall health.  I was encouraged, and kept up with this for several months.  We also seriously looked into adoption during this time, including domestic, international and private.  This was something we always felt was an option, but never felt God strongly leading us to pursue that path.    

Despite the healthy changes I was pursuing, the lack of a positive pregnancy test slowly began to wear on me emotionally and physically, and I found myself struggling.  I had trouble remembering important details at work, I was very impatient with my family, and I had trouble recalling simple words in a conversation.  I spiralled into depression.  My family doctor recommended a leave from work to focus on mental and physical healing, so I stepped away from my job temporarily from the end of June until the beginning of September 2016.  This time proved invaluable for my mental health, and I began to feel more like myself again. 

We began to pray earnestly about the next step in our fertility journey, and felt led to pursue more intensive treatments.  We desperately wanted a second child, and felt that God also desired us to have a sibling for Levi.  We started seeing specialists at the Aurora clinic in Saskatoon, who recommended Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).  We understood that after 3 or 4 rounds of IUI, that the next step would likely be IVF (a much more expensive procedure), but we were so incredibly sure that our IUI procedures were bound to be successful.  After all, the only diagnosis we had was ‘unexplained infertility’, and every test that was performed on Ryan and I came back normal.  There was no reason IUI shouldn’t work. 

We went for our first round of IUI in January of 2017.  The results came back negative.  Disappointed but not discouraged, we went for our second round in February.  Again, the results were negative.  This hit us a bit harder, so we took a break for March, and prepared ourselves mentally and financially for our third round in April. 

Negative. 

We had prayed SO HARD for a positive result, and did not understand why God had said ‘no’ to our desperate pleas.  We were drained emotionally and financially, so we decided not to pursue a fourth round of IUI or any further treatments.  We just felt done. 

For the rest of 2017, we asked God what He wanted us to focus on.  Obviously, a second child was not in His plans for us at that time, so we found ourselves focusing on other things, and just enjoying our family of three.  We decided to make some huge changes in our lives, including moving to a different town, attending a different church, and me stepping away from my job to allow us the ability to homeschool Levi.  We put the wheels into motion, and by the middle of 2018, we had moved into a different home in a different community, I had quit my job, and I was preparing to start homeschooling Levi in Kindergarten that fall.

It was an exciting year, with lots of big changes and a fresh outlook on life.  We felt that we had some new goals to focus on, and found ourselves becoming content with where God had placed us.  We still desired a second child, but we stepped away completely from anything fertility related.  We had downsized our home when we moved to our new community, so we also found ourselves willingly parting with our old baby things.  We had held onto those things long enough, and it was time to move on.  We didn’t feel bitter or sad… in fact, it was just the opposite.  We felt refreshed at this new mindset, and were encouraged to pursue new roles and opportunities.  We were amazed at how many things had gotten set on the backburner when all our time, energy and money was getting poured into fertility treatments.    

I started a new venture as a yoga instructor, I enjoyed my role as a homeschooling mom, and I found other new interests to pursue.  It was a breath of fresh air and by early 2019, Ryan and I had both found ourselves content and happy with our family situation and life changes.  We gave our dreams of a second child over completely to God, accepting fully that we would have an only child, and feeling ok about it.    

I feel like it is a bit cliché to assume that is what God was waiting for, as only He knows the timing that is perfect for our lives, but I do feel like He must have laughed a little as he watched us get rid of all our baby things, and set up our home in anticipation of raising an only child.  Turns out, He had other plans for our family!  In late August 2019, we found out that we were going to be parents to a second little miracle!  It was with equal shock and excitement that we processed this news, and immediately our hearts and minds wrapped around the thought of this huge, unexpected change!  We were thrilled, as were our family and friends!

My due date in April is coming up quickly, and we are beyond excited to meet this amazing little person that God has designed for our family! 

I know there are so many couples out there who are still praying for a child, and I don’t know why God chose us to experience a second pregnancy.  I am so humbled by this fact, and we will not take this new round of parenthood for granted.  We are so excited to see Levi grow in his new role as a big brother, and we pray for wisdom as parents as we welcome this little one into our family, and as we raise him or her to have a personal relationship with Christ. 

Thank you to everyone who has been a support to us already through this pregnancy, and to those who will be there for us when this little one arrives.  We love you!

2017, we had such high hopes for you...

I’m not sure what to think about this past year.  

In many ways, it was a year of growth and change, which is never a bad thing.  At the same time, it was a year of disappointments and unanswered prayers. 

Ryan and I had such high hopes for 2017. 

About this time last year, we were beginning to get excited about our upcoming fertility treatments with our new specialist.  We had done our research, met with our new doctor and had decided on pursuing IUI (Intrauterine Insemination).  We had prayed about this decision for a long time, and had felt a clear direction and peace about it.

In mid-January, we did the tests, blood work, ultrasounds and medications in preparation for our IUI on January 20.  I also had to learn how to give myself an injection prior to the appointment, which was quite nerve-wracking and a little intimidating.  

The morning of our procedure came, and we headed in for our early morning appointment, nervous and excited.  Everything went very well and we left feeling hopeful about the result.  

Then came the two week wait.  

For anyone who has dealt with anything fertility related, the two week wait is horrible.  It defies time and space, as it doesn’t just last two weeks… it seems to last two months.  You analyze every sign or symptom, and anxiety builds as you wonder if what you’re feeling is the start of a pregnancy or if the procedure wasn’t successful.  It short, it sucks.  

We knew we had so many people praying for us, though, which helped immensely.  The support of family and friends was tangible, and we were so grateful for this outpouring of love.   

Exactly two weeks after our procedure, I went to the clinic to get my blood test done.

I was told the lab would analyze it as soon as they could, and I would get a call later that day telling me if it was positive or negative.  I was so nervous.  

I went to work that same day, but I can’t remember anything about that morning.  All I could think about was getting that call.

The call came around noon that day.  

Negative.

We were so disappointed, but surprisingly we weren’t devastated.  I found that we had a unexpected peace about the situation, and knew that was only from God.  We took time to process our news and we prayed about our next step.  We felt direction to pursue a second IUI the following month.  

February came, and we prepared for our second procedure.  We hadn’t lost hope, and were so sure that it would work this time.  

The procedure went extremely well, even better than the last time, and we left the clinic feeling so excited.  We felt that this one would definitely stick, and that the blood work would surely confirm that we had conceived our second child.  

The two week wait dragged on, though, and was even more draining than the first time.  I found myself struggling mentally and emotionally as I pleaded with God to please allow this to be successful.  I cried out to Him, telling Him all the reasons we needed this to work… we wanted Levi to have a sibling.  We wanted to raise another little one to know Him.  We wanted to bless our parents with another little grandchild.  I desperately wanted to experience pregnancy again, and to hopefully have a chance to breastfeed this time. 

There were so many reasons.  

Then came the call.  We found out that it was not successful.

This one hit us a bit harder, and we felt betrayed by God.  Why would He give us such a peace about pursuing IUI, if He wasn’t going to allow it to work?  Why would we put so much time, energy and money into this procedure, only to have it fail?  

We decided to step back from medical procedures for a month while we thought about it.  We took a break from everything fertility related, and took a much needed hiatus while we just breathed.  

We sought further direction about our next step from friends, family, our doctors, and from God, and felt led to try one more time.  Our doctor had told us that we could try up to four times, but we decided that emotionally, it was the better decision to stop at three.  

So in April, we went all in.  The whole nine yards.  

This was our last attempt at IUI, and we wanted to make sure that we did everything we could to help it be a positive result.  

I took some time off work, so I could focus on booking and attending the required appointments, without having to juggle my work schedule.  

We asked for prayer from family, friends and our church family.  There were so many people praying for us, and we spent so much time in prayer ourselves. 

I looked up every Bible verse I could think of about trusting, about waiting and about His plan for our lives.   

In mid-April, we went for our final procedure with eager hearts, anticipating that this would be the time it would work.  By this time, we knew what to expect, and were quite calm about the procedure.  Even giving myself an injection was easy (at least, compared to the first time I did it)! 

The procedure went amazingly well… the best yet.  

  

We tried to be as positive as we could during the wait.  We prayed boldly that a new little life would be growing inside me.  All of our family and friends surrounded us with their prayers and encouragement.  

And then, two weeks later, we found out that it did not work.  

We were not pregnant.  

We were heartbroken.  Why, God?  Why not this time?

We didn’t understand why it wasn't successful, and our doctors couldn’t give us any answers either.  It was a hard reality to accept, but we knew we were done pursuing treatments at that time.    

We still don’t completely understand what God is doing in our lives.  We had felt such direction and peace about pursuing these treatments, and I fully expected that 2017 would be the year we would be welcoming a second child into our family, or discovering the existence of a new little life inside me.  

Now 2017 is over, and that prayer was not answered.  It's already several days into 2018, and I am still having trouble processing that fact.  

Despite the disappointment that this year provided, I did mention that 2017 still allowed me opportunities for growth and change.  Since pregnancy did not seem to be an option, I was able to pursue activities that would have been more difficult had I been pregnant or nursing an infant.  I ran a 5 km race, I joined a lyrical and contemporary dance class, and I went to Las Vegas with Ryan and two of our friends.  I worked on several other things that have been on my bucket list for a while, and changed my focus from what I couldn’t seem to do (conceive a baby) to what I could do.  

We still don’t feel that our family is complete, and very much want a sibling for Levi.  

We are not sure what this might look like, but we will continue to pray for direction and clarity in this situation. 

Thank you for those of you who have supported us through this year.  We cherish your prayers and love!

Thank you for reading <3   

A Reflection on 30 Years

Tomorrow, I turn 30.  

As I think back on my last three decades (and especially my twenties), I can’t help but imagine how different my life would look if things had gone the way I had pictured… instead of how God clearly has intended my life to go.   

You see, I never pictured myself walking the path of infertility, or having a child with cleft palate.  I envisioned that when my husband and I decided to have children, that we would be able to do so without years of wondering and waiting, and that when we did, we wouldn’t have as many medical hurdles to jump over as we do now.  

I guess God had a different plan!  

The last several years have tested me in more ways than I ever could have imagined.  Experiencing both primary and secondary infertility, and watching my son go through as many surgeries as he has, have been some of the hardest things I have ever gone through.    

I have felt anger and sorrow.  Impatience and frustration.  Grief and sadness.  

At the same time, I have also felt the incredible joy of being a mother, excitement for what the future holds and a greater appreciation for the child I do have.

I have been inspired by the strength Levi has showed during his young life and the procedures he has gone though.  He has demonstrated an incredible attitude toward his many medical appointments and is so patient and easy-going during his hospital visits.  And I have been so grateful for the love and care of my husband, who has walked this same path with me.

  

I have seen that this season of my life has shaped me more than I would have expected.  It has shaped my thoughts, my response to circumstances and my personality.  

And I have learned so much.

I have learned about infertility and how many lives it affects.

I have learned about treatments, whether invasive, expensive, natural or medicinal.  About health, nutrition, and fitness and how they impact fertility. 

I have learned almost everything there is to learn about cleft lip and palate.  About the surgeries, the appointments and the impact on development.  And how it seems like kids who have gone through medical challenges are some of the strongest kids out there.  

About depression and anxiety. About how emotions can sometimes get the best of you when you least expect it, and how to be aware of this.

I have learned about deferred hope... it really does make the heart sick.  But I am slowly learning it's possible to have hope even when answers are unseen, and to have joy in the wait.

And I have learned how to be more sensitive to those around me.  It’s impossible to know someone’s journey in one glance.  

I have learned that despite the fact that some circumstances seem so bleak, that God can use those times to teach you something that you wouldn’t otherwise have learned.

I have discovered that God has used this journey to bring me into relationship with so many people who I otherwise would not have met.  I have walked with women during their own infertility journeys, and I have been a source of information to those who may not be as familiar with this path.  I have supported women in various ways through my experience of raising a child with cleft lip and palate.  And I have made close, life-long friends because of these experiences.

   

I have seen God work in miraculous ways in my life, and am reminded of His presence again and again.  I know He is there, and even though our prayer for a second child has not yet been answered, I am grateful for the things I have learned during this time of waiting.  

So, even though I would have not pictured this journey for my life, I have realized that God designed this road specifically for me.  To teach me, to change me and to develop me into the person he wants me to be.  

It’s been an interesting 30 years.  I look forward to what He has planned for the next 30!  

Four of the most important lessons that I didn't think I needed to learn

Infertility.  It's a season of waiting, frustration and fears.  It's also a season of patience, learning and growing stronger. 

Throughout this season of our lives, one filled with uncertainty and unanswered prayers, I have grown in ways I never thought possible, and learned more lessons than I expected to.  Everyone who travels this path has different experiences along the way.  By no means are my thoughts going to be the same as someone else who has gone through the trials of infertility, but some of you may relate to the things I have learned. 

These have definitely not been easy lessons.  They have not been smooth and I have not wanted to accept them.  

But they have been important.  They have been eye-opening, life changing lessons that have affected me greatly and changed me emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Here are four of the most important things that I have learned on our infertility journey.

When we experienced primary infertility while trying for our first child, I did not share my frustrations or experiences very willingly.  I thought that it was something that I needed to keep to myself.  I have since realized that it is important to share with those who can give support.  Now, as we experience secondary infertility as we try for our second child, my husband and I have both been more open with our experiences.  It is still not an easy process, but it takes a bit of the burden off.  I have also gotten great feedback from sharing a few details of our journey through this blog.  It is a place that I can reach out to those who might be going through similar things, and where my experiences might be used to encourage those people.

By all means, my husband and I still make sure that we are each other’s closest confidants, but we are open to sharing with friends and family who express an interest in providing support and prayer.  

Not only do I know that we have a great support network of friends and family, but as a Christian, I also know that I have the strength of Christ carrying me through this journey.  Without Him, and the amazing people He puts in our life, we wouldn’t have the endurance to continue on.

At some points in life, even though it may seem like we have strength and endurance to carry on, sometimes the best choice is to take a step back.

This might look different for everyone, but for me it came as a pretty eye-opening, life-changing transition.  

This summer, after several years of trials (with infertility being only one factor amongst others), I reached a low point in our journey.  I was rarely happy, often irritable and overwhelmingly discouraged.  I didn’t recognize the seriousness of it at the time, but looking back, I should have sought help sooner.  

It took a medical professional to help me recognize that I had reached a breaking point.  

I had approached my doctor with some concerns I had regarding my memory and ability to concentrate.  I had noticed for several months that I just didn’t have the same ability to focus like I normally did, and it had started to negatively affect my ability to do my job.  I knew it was something I was concerned about, but not once did I assume that the cause had anything to do with our infertility journey.  The first question she asked when I brought these concerns to her, was how my mood had been.  When she told me that low mood and decreased concentration often go hand in hand, it all began to make sense.  I hadn’t realized that they could be so closely connected, but it did fit with what I had been experiencing.  I started to make some changes in my life that would allow me to regain a more positive outlook on life.  I took a long break from Facebook, knowing that the constant source of social media (and with it newborn photos, pregnancy announcements and cute baby bumps) did not help my situation.  I started to be more diligent with eating and exercising well, and started to recognize other triggers of low mood in my life.  

Ultimately, these changes were helpful but not enough to reverse the downward cycle of depression and anxiety that I had started on.  I continued to struggle at work, and in June 2016, my doctor put me on a medical leave from work for 9 weeks.  

This was a huge step, and a situation I never thought I would be in.  I am someone who likes to deal with her problems privately and quietly, and this seemed like a drastic change.  It was a step that I was uncertain with at first, but it turned out to be exactly what I needed.  

During this medical leave, I continued to work on the changes I had started in spring, but I took even more steps on my path to healing.  One of the biggest things I did was to enrol myself in an online course that centred around Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.  My doctor gave me the information for this course, which is developed through the University of Regina.  It is a great resource for those who have symptoms of depression and anxiety.  To sum up the course in a few words, it helped me to change my thought patterns, to view my situation in a different light and to recognize unhelpful attitudes and thoughts surrounding my circumstances.  

(If you have questions about this course, please don't hesitate to message me, or talk to your doctor about it.)

I also started seeing a counsellor regularly, who gave me even more information on how to process the challenges we were facing.  

Throughout the summer, I made sure to spend time figuring out what my priorities were in life.  The shadow of an inability to conceive had darkened my thoughts, and I had forgotten about the most important things in my life.  I reconnected with my husband, found renewed joy in raising the child I do have, and enjoyed time with family and friends.  

Ryan and I also decided to take a break from pursuing fertility treatments during this time, which gave us both a much needed break from the stresses of appointments, medications and blood work.  

We made a point of enjoying our summer to the fullest, and were intentional about spending quality time as a family of three. 

During the summer, it was also discovered that I had been prescribed an incorrect dosage of my thyroid medication (a medication I have taken for several years, but the dosage had been adjusted more recently).  It turned out that this incorrect dosage had been contributing to my memory and concentration difficulties.  Upon correction of this dosage, and having had a chance to learn how to handle stress more effectively, I regained my ability to concentrate. 

Overall, my medical leave gave me the chance to reevaluate our situation, to gain a fresh perspective on our infertility journey and to give me some new energy to face the long road ahead.  

This step back was exactly what I needed to take the next step forward.

     

After a summer of learning about the physiological response to stress, I realized that to have any sanity in the midst of uncertainty, I would need to find a source of calm.

Yoga, rock climbing, coloring, and journalling.  These are the de-stressors that have become an essential part of my life. 

I have always found yoga to be a great way to relax and unwind at the end of the day.  It’s become a habit that I’ve kept up for several years.  

More recently, I have discovered that rock climbing is a great way to de-stress.  When I’m on the wall, I am not thinking about anything but staying on the wall and finishing the problem.  It’s an amazing way to get my mind off life and our infertility journey.  

Coloring is the relaxing, calming activity that allows my creative side to emerge and gives my mind a break from reality.  There are no rules with colouring, and it's a great outlet after a stressful day.  

Journalling allows me to process whatever thought or emotion I am dealing with, in a constructive way.  It’s a place to vent, to write down fears, hopes and insecurities.  It also allows the chance to look back and see how far I’ve come, and that there are always answers to prayer, no matter how small they are.

If I can give you any advice, whether you are dealing with infertility or any of the other stressful things life brings… find a source of calm and pursue it consistently.  

Years ago, when we experienced our first session of infertility we began to see a fertility specialist who took us through a series of tests and treatments.  Her suggestions didn't end up working, and we took a step back from her treatments.  To our surprise and by the grace of God, we were able to conceive Levi naturally.  

During this second session of infertility, we started seeing the same specialist.  She was ok to deal with, but her suggestions and advice were the same as before, and we felt like she was no longer providing us with the care we needed.  We received a different referral from my family doctor and started seeing a new specialist this winter.  Already, with the first appointment, we have felt heard, and well cared for, and we appreciated the fresh set of eyes on our situation. She gave us some new information and statistics that we had not heard before, and made some suggestions that our other specialist had not presented us with.  

She told us that after two years of trying to conceive, the chances of conception per month drops from 20% to 2%.  Since Ryan and I have been trying to a conceive for more than two years, we are part of that statistic of 2%.  This was a statistic that we had not heard before, and was very eye-opening.

We have always known that we are dealing with unexplained infertility.  All of our tests have always come back normal and nothing is blatantly wrong.  Since Levi was conceived without any intervention, we thought that we had the same chances of conceiving our second child as any other couple.  Apparently this is not the case, and we now have a very low chance of conceiving naturally.  With this new information, we realized we would need to pursue greater medical intervention. 

So, with our new treatment team in place, a recommendation from our specialist, and with much consideration and prayer, we have decided to pursue IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) this month!

It's an understatement to say that we are very excited to take this step!  

We are excited that it will increase our chances of conception, and are very hopeful that it will be successful.  
At the same time, we can't help but be a little nervous, as it has a much greater financial and emotional commitment than any other treatments we have pursued up to this point.   
It's a big step, and one we hope will allow us to grow our family and give Levi a chance to be the wonderful big brother we know he will be.

While we don’t know if this will be successful, we are thankful for the prayers and support that we know we have from friends and family.  We appreciate it more than you know!!