Tales of a Liquid Diet - Part One (Ingredients)

Details about a Liquid Diet after an Alveolar Bone Graft

 

As of today, Levi is all finished his liquid diet!  Three weeks of recovery down…woot!

Today, the surgeon has given him the all clear to move on to soft foods.  He still can’t chew using his front teeth, so he will cut things up into smaller bites and move them to his back molars.  He won’t be able to have anything hard or crunchy for another 6 weeks or so.  The tissue covering the bone graft is still quite soft and fragile, so we want it to continue to heal as fully as possible before something disturbs the site. 

I learned so much about a liquid diet during these past three weeks, and I felt I should share some of my research in case there are other families in need of some help.  It was hard for me to find much information on liquid diets online that weren’t designed for weight loss.  There were a few websites that talked about liquid diets after dental surgery, but mostly they just told me to “blend anything and everything, and add cream to make it more liquidy”.  This sounded absolutely awful to both Levi and me!  The taste and texture of a concoction like that didn’t sound appetizing at all.

So, I set out to create a meal plan that would satisfy two criteria:

    1) That it would be appetizing to Levi (so that he would actually eat it)

    2) That we could maintain his weight throughout the three weeks

I’m pleased to say that we succeeded on both points! 

My biggest goal was to maintain his weight, which we did.  Losing weight would have slowed his healing, and he did not have any extra weight to lose in the first place.  So, we weighed him every morning, and adjusted his calorie intake accordingly. 

As for taste and enjoyment, we figured out some pretty yummy recipes.  I’m not saying Levi wasn’t tired of liquids by the end… because he was.  Especially soup!  He was a rockstar though, and rarely complained about the situation. 

Now, on to some details about our preparation and execution.  When I learned about his surgery in June, I started to compile some ingredients that I knew we would need.  The hospital had given us a list of ideas for ingredients and recipes.  I used some of the information on there to add to my grocery list ahead of time. 

I knew that some of the meal replacement drinks would be expensive, so I wanted to budget more efficiently.

I also purchased some extra yogurt while it was on sale, and froze it until we needed it. 

When we saw the dietician in the hospital right after Levi’s surgery, she didn’t tell me specifically how many calories we should aim for Levi to have each day.  She just said to focus on protein and fat and monitor his weight.  

Those were the guidelines that I operated on, so the following products were purchased with the intent to increase the fat and protein in his meals.  She mentioned that meal replacement drinks (such as Boost) were an option, but were not necessary.  I decided to occasionally use Boost, but I did not rely on it.

In the first couple days of his liquid diet, we struggled to find recipes that would give him enough calories, but were a small enough volume to fit in his tummy.  Many basic yogurts, ice creams, etc. didn’t have enough calories in the volume that he could physically ingest in one meal.  He’s a small kid, so I needed to figure out a way to increase the calorie count while decreasing the volume.  The following list includes some of the products I found that helped with that.

Most of my research was for his breakfasts, snacks and desserts.  Lunch and suppers were always soup, which were lovingly pre-made for us by family and friends.  (Thank you, thank you!!)  Often I would strain the soup, and he would just have the broth.  His favorite soup by far throughout the three weeks was Zumma Borscht (a cream based potato and sausage soup).

He struggled a bit with texture throughout this experience.  He didn’t like soup to be too thick, and he didn’t like smoothies to be too runny!  We worked together to adjust the recipes so they were to his liking.  I wanted him to be vocal about whether it was appetizing to him, because I needed him to eat well and often.

I will post some specific recipes in part two, but I wanted to list some of the ingredients that I found the most helpful.      

Here are some of my favorite finds:

COMMONLY USED INGREDIENTS (and my reasoning for using them):

-            Boost Plus Calories (vanilla, chocolate, strawberry)

o   This formed the base for many smoothies and milkshakes, but I didn’t rely on it as his only source of nutrition, since the sugar content is quite high.  I specifically bought the version labelled “Extra Calories” so we would have more calories with less volume. 

-            Liberte Plain Greek yogurt (10% MF)

o   I was quite pleased to find a 10% MF yogurt.  Along with a higher fat content, it also had some protein, and only 5 g of sugar per serving.

-            Liberte Mediterranean dessert collection (9% MF)

o   I purchased four flavors: Coconut, Mango, Apple pie, Key lime pie (there is a raspberry flavor, but raspberry seeds don’t blend or strain well)

o   These were a favorite, since they had a good fat and protein content, and great flavors.  I didn’t have to add much to make them taste good.

o   Note: we did have to strain the coconut yogurt, as coconut does not blend well.

-            Haagen Dazs vanilla ice cream

o   I wanted a high calorie vanilla ice cream, and this hit the mark.  It has 360 calories per ¾ cup serving.  I added it to his dessert milkshakes for an extra boost of calories.

-            Adams 100% natural peanut butter

o   My goal with this purchase was to increase protein without increasing sugar. 

-    Table Cream - 18%

o                           o   I used this to make some base recipes, and easily add calories.  I didn't want to use whipping cream, since I felt that may be too rich and potentially upset his stomach. 

SkSkim milk powder

o   This was one thing that the post-op sheet recommended.  It adds calories without adding liquid bulk.  I’ll talk more about how I used this in my next post about recipes.

-            Pediasure (only if needed, as it doesn’t have as many calories as Boost)

o   I wanted to love this, since it has less sodium than Boost, but I only ended up used this at the very beginning of our adventure, since I realized Boost Extra Calories was going to be necessary

NUTRITIONAL ADDITITIONS:

-            Nutridom Kids Multivitamin powder (11 vitamins, 6 minerals)

o   We needed a way to give him a multivitamin that wasn’t a tablet or gummy.  We could have dissolved a tablet, but this was much easier to mix into his smoothie every morning.  Take note: the label says “unflavored”, but it definitely has a fruity tang to it.

-            Dream protein (24 g serving has 17 g whey protein isolate, 5.4 g whey protein concentrate and 600 mg inulin) – French Vanilla Flavor

o   We added half a scoop of this into his smoothies now and then.  The dietician requested that we aim for about 30 grams of protein daily, so a full serving of this would have almost met his requirements for the day.  We didn’t need to add that much extra into his diet, but it was nice to have the option of adding protein without adding liquid.

-            Boost Just Protein powder (21 g serving has 18 g protein from whey protein isolate) - unflavored

o   I purchased this as a way to add extra protein into his soups.  It dissolved quite nicely, and didn’t change the flavor of the dish.  Since the Dream Protein (above) was French Vanilla flavored, we couldn’t add it to his savory dishes.  

 I hope this was helpful for those who may be going through the same process, and interesting for those who just wanted to read a bit more about our experience.  

Thanks for your prayers and support during this time... we've definitely felt them!

Stay tuned for Part Two!

Alveolar Cleft Repair: Part 3

Details about the Procedure

In this post, I will provide an accurate description of the procedure that Levi went through.  There are some anatomical images, so just take that into consideration if you prefer not to see those types of images.

 

The term “alveolus” can be confusing, as it is used both in reference to the lungs and in reference to dentistry.  For my purposes, any use of “alveolar” or “alveolus” here is in reference to the bony socket for the root of a tooth.  The alveolar bone is shown in green on the image of the skull.

The following x-ray is not of Levi’s mouth, but it is very similar to how his bone structure looked prior to this repair.  His cleft lip and palate were on the left side of his mouth, with the cleft extending from the back of his hard palate (the roof of his mouth) up through his alveolar bone (gum line).  The repair was necessary to provide bone tissue so that his adult teeth will have somewhere to grow down into.

Here is a very simple image and explanation of what the surgery was all about.  Read on further for a more detailed explanation of what the surgeons did.  

Step one of the repair was to harvest some bone tissue from Levi’s hip.  They used bone from his iliac crest (highlighted in red on this photo).  They used his left side, which conveniently was the side Levi was hoping they would operate on!  We asked why they chose to use Levi's left hip, and the surgeon said that partly it was convenience of positioning during the surgery, but also that most kids are right side dominant.  Using the left side means he will be able to take full strength kicks, etc. with his right leg once he's cleared for physical activity again.  The bone from his hip will take about 5 years to grow back completely. 

The surgeon said the piece of bone they took was about 2.5 x 3 cm.  They also harvested some marrow.  The bone they took was slightly malleable (about the firmness of the green scrubbing side of a kitchen sponge), so they could mold it into the gaps in his mouth.  

The bone was placed in the proper position, and sutures were used to close the gum tissue around it, as is shown in the image below.  The surgeon said Levi has about 100 sutures in his mouth, which are thankfully absorbable.   

Levi is not supposed to brush his teeth right now, but uses both a medicated oral rinse twice a day, and a basic salt water rinse a couple times during the day.  

We are so thankful for the medical team that was involved with Levi’s procedure.  This surgery has been on our minds for a long time now, and we’re happy to have it completed and to move on to the next stage... which is braces!

Currently, we’ll focus on healing and recovery, and then in a few months we will start his braces journey!  

 

For further reading about cleft lip and palate, and more details about alveolar bone repairs, the following websites are some of the most informative that I have found. 

 

https://www.craniofacialteamtexas.com/cleft-lip-and-cleft-palate/what-causes-cleft-lips-and-palates/

https://www.texaschildrens.org/departments/cleft-lip-and-palate-clinic/alveolar-bone-graft

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3706037/#:~:text=There%20are%20several%20different%20graft,a%20process%20called%20creeping%20substitution.

Alveolar Cleft Repair: Part 2

 

Our Hospital Experience

We were so grateful to have a private room at JPCH, something we haven’t had the pleasure of experiencing in his previous surgeries!

There were a few added amenities which were a nice touch (such as a mini fridge, a desk and a double bed for a parent), and it was so nice to have a quiet space for our three days in the hospital. 

We made good use of the mini fridge, so we did not have to purchase any food while we were there.  We brought sliced meat, cheese, lettuce and tomatoes to make sandwiches for lunches, along with some veggies and fruit.  For suppers, I had baked a pizza at home, and brought along some slices.  We found a microwave in a communal family room at the hospital, so we warmed them up there.  I brought muffins and fruit for breakfast, and some extra snacks for throughout the day. 

 We settled into our room fairly quickly, and made sure Levi was comfortable in his space.  We had brought a variety of activities to keep him entertained, including new books, a few card games, an old iPod loaded with audio books and our Switch.  The Switch was by far the most popular activity, since we had specifically purchased Minecraft for just this purpose!  He’s quickly become a big fan!  His hospital room also had a screen with access to Netflix and Prime Video, where we found a couple movies to watch. 

When he wasn’t playing games or watching shows, he was doing his best to stay rested and hydrated.  He had an IV in his arm that allowed for a continuous fluid drip.  This ensured that he stayed hydrated despite a very sore and swollen mouth.  Once he was feeling up for it, he was allowed to start taking in some clear fluids.  This meant lots of apple juice! 

The technique for eating and drinking after an alveolar cleft repair means that Levi has to take everything in via a syringe.  The goal with this method is to avoid having any food touch the surgical site in his mouth.  The surgeon said there are about 100 stitches in his mouth, and we don’t want anything getting trapped in that area, or disturbing the graft site.  Since the surgical site is quite large and encompasses the roof of his mouth and the left side of his gum line, he uses a medical syringe with a soft piece of tubing attached to the end.  He tucks the tubing into the right side of his cheek, and swallows from there.  He can have anything to eat or drink, as long as it can go through the syringe.

The nurses were not very familiar with this type of surgery, and it turns out that there is nothing designed for this type of feeding, so we worked with the nursing staff to figure out a system that worked.  We experimented with different sizes of syringes and tubing until we came up with something that worked.  As a reference for any families with cleft kids, we discovered that a 60 mL syringe with a narrow end, paired with ¼” diameter soft blue surgical tubing worked the best.  They allowed us to cut the tubing to the length we needed, and sent us home with a roll of it so we would have enough to last for his whole liquid diet.  They also provided us with several extra syringes. 

During the process of figuring out the feeding system, we found that it was very important to advocate for ourselves and for Levi.  The nursing staff relied on us to tell them what worked for Levi and what didn’t, so it was important to speak up. 

We had a consultation with a dietician as well, which was very informative.  Levi’s liquid diet will last for three weeks, and it is important that we do our best to maintain his weight.  She discussed the importance of fat and protein to increase the calorie count in his meals.  Low fat liquids take up space in the stomach without actually providing needed nutrients.  She reminded us that there are taste buds all the way down a person’s throat, so it’s important that the foods we are giving Levi still taste delicious!  I will write a separate post about the recipes we are discovering as we learn about this liquid diet. 

On the day after surgery, Levi was upgraded to a full fluids diet (which is different than a clear fluids diet).  This meant that he could have some runny chocolate pudding, things like Ensure, and some strained soup.  He enjoyed having some ‘real’ food after such a long time!

Along with keeping Levi’s mouth healthy, we also had to keep an eye on the incision in his hip, where the bone graft was taken from.  His hip was quite sore to begin with, so we had him walk only as much as tolerated.  When the nurse changed the bandage and cleaned his incision, everything looked really good!  The incision is about 3” long, and seems to be healing well.  He’ll have a bandage over it for a couple weeks, and will avoid submerging it; only having sponge baths and careful showers for now.

His pain level was managed with Tylenol and Ketorolac (an NSAID, like ibuprofen, but a bit stronger), and he was also given antibiotics via his IV. 

At home, he is still taking regular Tylenol, but was given a prescription of Naproxen to replace the Ketorolac.  He is doing well with these pain meds, and says he has no pain in either his hip or his mouth.  He is sleeping well, and we are figuring out the meals that work best for him.   

It’s been a learning experience as we walk through this process.  I’m enjoying the challenge of creating delicious, healthy recipes for him, and we are forever impressed with the resilience Levi displays through all of these adventures!

Alveolar Cleft Repair: Part 1

 

The Surgery

We arrived at JPCH at the requested time of 11 am for check in.  Levi had been fasting (from both food and water) since 8 pm the night before, so he was slightly hungry and thirsty but was easily distracted by some card games and video games. 

We waited and waited for information until finally being told that his surgery wasn’t actually scheduled until 2 pm.  It was a bit discouraging, but we were prepared to wait, so we broke out more games. 

By around 1:00 Levi was incredibly hungry and we were all eager to get the show on the road!  At 1:30, we were brought into a room (the same room that he would recover in after his surgery), and waited for the surgical team to prep the surgical suite. 

Through all of this, Levi was incredibly calm and composed.  He continually impresses me with his strength in the face of uncertainty and fear.  He is one strong, brave kid.

Shortly before 3, we met with the surgeon, the anesthesiologist and the nurse.  They answered all of our questions, and brought us into the holding area where parents can say goodbye to their children before being rolled into the suite itself.  The surgeon said the surgery would take about 2 hours, and gave us all the final details of the surgery itself.  (We had learned all this information prior to this day, but for consent purposes, he had to repeat the information).  I signed consent, we prayed with Levi, and gave him a big hug.  Ryan and I were brought back to the family waiting room, and Levi was brought into the surgical suite.  

Ryan and I spent some time in prayer, then settled in to wait for the surgeon to come find us and give us a report.  

At 4:20, the surgeon came smiling into the family waiting room.  He was finished early and said that everything went incredibly smoothly.  He was very happy with how it all came together, which was so good to hear! 

We waited a little while for Levi to wake up from the anesthetic, then the nurse came to bring us into the recovery room.  Levi was pretty groggy, and a bit shaky but he came out of the anesthetic without any major complications. 

We were brought up onto the Pediatric ward, where there was some confusion as to what room he would need to be placed in.  The nurses on recovery did not realize that when a patient is sent up to the Peds ward with a PCA pump (patient-controlled analgesic pump) that the patient needs to be in an Observation room.  We got that figured out, and got Levi settled into his room.  He almost immediately relaxed into a nap, and rested for a good chunk of time. 

This allowed Ryan and I time to get our things organized in his room and prepare ourselves for the next stage of the process, which was recovery!

 

I will follow up this blog post with several others about this experience, including details about the procedure itself, our hospital stay and the recovery process at home.  Some of this information may not be of interest to the general public, but I hope to provide a resource for families who may go through this same experience in the future.  There are plenty of informational websites about the details of the procedure, but I found very little information about the process and recovery from people who had actually experienced it.  I hope that writing our experience out will be helpful to those searching for information!

Thanks for reading!

Levi's Next Major Surgery..

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve posted on this platform!  Life has gone by pretty smoothly in the last few years… except for that whole Covid thing.  Yikes. 

Anyway!  If you’ve followed along with our story, or know our family, you’ll know that the repair of Levi’s cleft lip and palate is not quite complete.  We’ve been waiting for one of his most major surgeries for a couple years now, and we finally have a surgery date! 

He is scheduled for his Alveolar Bone Graft surgery on Tuesday July 30, 2024.  We were told this surgery would happen when he was closer to the age of 9, and here we are… almost to age 11!  There are several factors for the delay… first is that he is quite a small-boned child, and they needed to have him put on some more bone mass before he could go through this rigorous surgery.  Secondly… Covid.  Yeah, the wait lists were astronomical.  So.  We’re finally here!  And we’re asking for all the prayers we can get. 

This is quite an involved surgery, which requires 2-3 days in the hospital, 3 weeks of a liquid diet, and 3 months of low physical activity. 

They will take a piece of bone from his hip, and use that bone to replace what is missing from his gum line.  (Currently, when he smiles, you’ll notice that he’s got a few teeth missing and things are a bit crooked.)  This surgery will replace the missing bone, and allow his adult teeth to have somewhere to grow!

Because I am not a surgeon, and I don’t want to misrepresent what is going to happen during his surgery, I’ve copied some information from the UPMC Children’s Hospital Alveolar Bone Graft page.

Fast Facts About Alveolar Bone Graft

·        Some children who are born with both a cleft lip and a cleft palate also have a problem with the alveolar bone, which makes up the gum ridge or front portion of the roof of the mouth. The alveolar bone is a thin layer of bone that forms the sockets around the roots of the upper teeth under the gum tissue.

• The alveolar bone graft is done several years after the child’s first cleft lip and cleft palate repairs.

·        When there is a cleft in the alveolar bone, it means there is a fistula or hole from the mouth to the nose. This cleft in the bone and gums prevents teeth from growing properly and the floor of the nose from developing normally. Fixing the cleft to allow for proper tooth development is important to a child’s health because missing teeth can have a negative effect on eating, digestion, facial growth and appearance.

• The timing of the alveolar bone graft is very important because it must be done as the child begins losing his or her baby teeth, before the permanent teeth come in.  

·        The alveolar bone graft repairs the hole in the gum ridge and stabilizes the bone arch, providing better support for the base of the nose and new bone for the roots of the developing teeth to grow into. The surgery usually is done when the child’s permanent canine teeth are three-quarters formed.

·        To do the bone graft, a piece of bone usually will be taken from your child’s iliac crest, the upper ridge of the hip bone. The doctor will make a 1- to 3-inch incision or cut in the skin just over the hip bone and in the bone itself to remove the inner portion of the bone. This part of the bone, called cancellous bone, is soft and pasty and can be shaped to form the patch that will close the hole in the alveolar bone. Gum tissue inside your child’s mouth then will be closed around the bone and sutures or stitches will hold the tissue in place as it heals. 

 

So, there you have it! 

 

The doctor said that the liquid diet takes a toll on these kids, as it is tough to maintain the right amount of protein, energy and fiber needed for a growing boy.  I’ve started researching recipes and ideas, but if you have any delicious ideas for nutritious milkshakes, smoothies or soups (which we can put through a blender)… I’ll take them!

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Our Unexpected Journey Continues...

As I sit here typing, I’m feeling the strong kicks and punches of our little one inside my womb.  I’m 34 weeks along with my second pregnancy, and I can honestly say that I didn’t expect to ever to say those words, or to feel these unique movements again.  This little one is a complete miracle, and I am so blessed to be able to carry such a special little life inside me.  For those of you who may have followed my blog over the last several years, you may recall hearing about some of our infertility story.  For those of you who are new to our story, here is a snapshot of our unexpected journey over the last several years.   

 

We had our first child, Levi, in 2013 after 2 years of trying.  He was our first little miracle, and we were so excited to become parents to our beautiful little boy.  We knew we wanted to provide a sibling for Levi, and started trying for baby #2 early in 2014, knowing it might take a little while.  We were not prepared for the roller coaster of emotions to follow, or the journey that God had planned for us. 

After trying for a full year without success, we started seeing our fertility specialists.  We started with several rounds of a basic fertility medication, combined with regular ultrasounds to determine follicle growth, etc.  This proved unsuccessful, and we felt we needed a break from the onslaught of doctor’s appointments and tests.  For the end of 2015, and the beginning of 2016, I began to pursue more natural alternatives for fertility.  I sought out an acupuncturist that specialized in fertility, started going to regular chiropractic treatments, and I drastically changed my diet.  I followed a diet that had a low Glycemic Index, with high fiber, high protein and low sugar foods.  The diet was not that difficult to follow (we still enjoy eating that way most of the time), and I noticed positive changes in my cycles and overall health.  I was encouraged, and kept up with this for several months.  We also seriously looked into adoption during this time, including domestic, international and private.  This was something we always felt was an option, but never felt God strongly leading us to pursue that path.    

Despite the healthy changes I was pursuing, the lack of a positive pregnancy test slowly began to wear on me emotionally and physically, and I found myself struggling.  I had trouble remembering important details at work, I was very impatient with my family, and I had trouble recalling simple words in a conversation.  I spiralled into depression.  My family doctor recommended a leave from work to focus on mental and physical healing, so I stepped away from my job temporarily from the end of June until the beginning of September 2016.  This time proved invaluable for my mental health, and I began to feel more like myself again. 

We began to pray earnestly about the next step in our fertility journey, and felt led to pursue more intensive treatments.  We desperately wanted a second child, and felt that God also desired us to have a sibling for Levi.  We started seeing specialists at the Aurora clinic in Saskatoon, who recommended Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).  We understood that after 3 or 4 rounds of IUI, that the next step would likely be IVF (a much more expensive procedure), but we were so incredibly sure that our IUI procedures were bound to be successful.  After all, the only diagnosis we had was ‘unexplained infertility’, and every test that was performed on Ryan and I came back normal.  There was no reason IUI shouldn’t work. 

We went for our first round of IUI in January of 2017.  The results came back negative.  Disappointed but not discouraged, we went for our second round in February.  Again, the results were negative.  This hit us a bit harder, so we took a break for March, and prepared ourselves mentally and financially for our third round in April. 

Negative. 

We had prayed SO HARD for a positive result, and did not understand why God had said ‘no’ to our desperate pleas.  We were drained emotionally and financially, so we decided not to pursue a fourth round of IUI or any further treatments.  We just felt done. 

For the rest of 2017, we asked God what He wanted us to focus on.  Obviously, a second child was not in His plans for us at that time, so we found ourselves focusing on other things, and just enjoying our family of three.  We decided to make some huge changes in our lives, including moving to a different town, attending a different church, and me stepping away from my job to allow us the ability to homeschool Levi.  We put the wheels into motion, and by the middle of 2018, we had moved into a different home in a different community, I had quit my job, and I was preparing to start homeschooling Levi in Kindergarten that fall.

It was an exciting year, with lots of big changes and a fresh outlook on life.  We felt that we had some new goals to focus on, and found ourselves becoming content with where God had placed us.  We still desired a second child, but we stepped away completely from anything fertility related.  We had downsized our home when we moved to our new community, so we also found ourselves willingly parting with our old baby things.  We had held onto those things long enough, and it was time to move on.  We didn’t feel bitter or sad… in fact, it was just the opposite.  We felt refreshed at this new mindset, and were encouraged to pursue new roles and opportunities.  We were amazed at how many things had gotten set on the backburner when all our time, energy and money was getting poured into fertility treatments.    

I started a new venture as a yoga instructor, I enjoyed my role as a homeschooling mom, and I found other new interests to pursue.  It was a breath of fresh air and by early 2019, Ryan and I had both found ourselves content and happy with our family situation and life changes.  We gave our dreams of a second child over completely to God, accepting fully that we would have an only child, and feeling ok about it.    

I feel like it is a bit cliché to assume that is what God was waiting for, as only He knows the timing that is perfect for our lives, but I do feel like He must have laughed a little as he watched us get rid of all our baby things, and set up our home in anticipation of raising an only child.  Turns out, He had other plans for our family!  In late August 2019, we found out that we were going to be parents to a second little miracle!  It was with equal shock and excitement that we processed this news, and immediately our hearts and minds wrapped around the thought of this huge, unexpected change!  We were thrilled, as were our family and friends!

My due date in April is coming up quickly, and we are beyond excited to meet this amazing little person that God has designed for our family! 

I know there are so many couples out there who are still praying for a child, and I don’t know why God chose us to experience a second pregnancy.  I am so humbled by this fact, and we will not take this new round of parenthood for granted.  We are so excited to see Levi grow in his new role as a big brother, and we pray for wisdom as parents as we welcome this little one into our family, and as we raise him or her to have a personal relationship with Christ. 

Thank you to everyone who has been a support to us already through this pregnancy, and to those who will be there for us when this little one arrives.  We love you!

2017, we had such high hopes for you...

I’m not sure what to think about this past year.  

In many ways, it was a year of growth and change, which is never a bad thing.  At the same time, it was a year of disappointments and unanswered prayers. 

Ryan and I had such high hopes for 2017. 

About this time last year, we were beginning to get excited about our upcoming fertility treatments with our new specialist.  We had done our research, met with our new doctor and had decided on pursuing IUI (Intrauterine Insemination).  We had prayed about this decision for a long time, and had felt a clear direction and peace about it.

In mid-January, we did the tests, blood work, ultrasounds and medications in preparation for our IUI on January 20.  I also had to learn how to give myself an injection prior to the appointment, which was quite nerve-wracking and a little intimidating.  

The morning of our procedure came, and we headed in for our early morning appointment, nervous and excited.  Everything went very well and we left feeling hopeful about the result.  

Then came the two week wait.  

For anyone who has dealt with anything fertility related, the two week wait is horrible.  It defies time and space, as it doesn’t just last two weeks… it seems to last two months.  You analyze every sign or symptom, and anxiety builds as you wonder if what you’re feeling is the start of a pregnancy or if the procedure wasn’t successful.  It short, it sucks.  

We knew we had so many people praying for us, though, which helped immensely.  The support of family and friends was tangible, and we were so grateful for this outpouring of love.   

Exactly two weeks after our procedure, I went to the clinic to get my blood test done.

I was told the lab would analyze it as soon as they could, and I would get a call later that day telling me if it was positive or negative.  I was so nervous.  

I went to work that same day, but I can’t remember anything about that morning.  All I could think about was getting that call.

The call came around noon that day.  

Negative.

We were so disappointed, but surprisingly we weren’t devastated.  I found that we had a unexpected peace about the situation, and knew that was only from God.  We took time to process our news and we prayed about our next step.  We felt direction to pursue a second IUI the following month.  

February came, and we prepared for our second procedure.  We hadn’t lost hope, and were so sure that it would work this time.  

The procedure went extremely well, even better than the last time, and we left the clinic feeling so excited.  We felt that this one would definitely stick, and that the blood work would surely confirm that we had conceived our second child.  

The two week wait dragged on, though, and was even more draining than the first time.  I found myself struggling mentally and emotionally as I pleaded with God to please allow this to be successful.  I cried out to Him, telling Him all the reasons we needed this to work… we wanted Levi to have a sibling.  We wanted to raise another little one to know Him.  We wanted to bless our parents with another little grandchild.  I desperately wanted to experience pregnancy again, and to hopefully have a chance to breastfeed this time. 

There were so many reasons.  

Then came the call.  We found out that it was not successful.

This one hit us a bit harder, and we felt betrayed by God.  Why would He give us such a peace about pursuing IUI, if He wasn’t going to allow it to work?  Why would we put so much time, energy and money into this procedure, only to have it fail?  

We decided to step back from medical procedures for a month while we thought about it.  We took a break from everything fertility related, and took a much needed hiatus while we just breathed.  

We sought further direction about our next step from friends, family, our doctors, and from God, and felt led to try one more time.  Our doctor had told us that we could try up to four times, but we decided that emotionally, it was the better decision to stop at three.  

So in April, we went all in.  The whole nine yards.  

This was our last attempt at IUI, and we wanted to make sure that we did everything we could to help it be a positive result.  

I took some time off work, so I could focus on booking and attending the required appointments, without having to juggle my work schedule.  

We asked for prayer from family, friends and our church family.  There were so many people praying for us, and we spent so much time in prayer ourselves. 

I looked up every Bible verse I could think of about trusting, about waiting and about His plan for our lives.   

In mid-April, we went for our final procedure with eager hearts, anticipating that this would be the time it would work.  By this time, we knew what to expect, and were quite calm about the procedure.  Even giving myself an injection was easy (at least, compared to the first time I did it)! 

The procedure went amazingly well… the best yet.  

  

We tried to be as positive as we could during the wait.  We prayed boldly that a new little life would be growing inside me.  All of our family and friends surrounded us with their prayers and encouragement.  

And then, two weeks later, we found out that it did not work.  

We were not pregnant.  

We were heartbroken.  Why, God?  Why not this time?

We didn’t understand why it wasn't successful, and our doctors couldn’t give us any answers either.  It was a hard reality to accept, but we knew we were done pursuing treatments at that time.    

We still don’t completely understand what God is doing in our lives.  We had felt such direction and peace about pursuing these treatments, and I fully expected that 2017 would be the year we would be welcoming a second child into our family, or discovering the existence of a new little life inside me.  

Now 2017 is over, and that prayer was not answered.  It's already several days into 2018, and I am still having trouble processing that fact.  

Despite the disappointment that this year provided, I did mention that 2017 still allowed me opportunities for growth and change.  Since pregnancy did not seem to be an option, I was able to pursue activities that would have been more difficult had I been pregnant or nursing an infant.  I ran a 5 km race, I joined a lyrical and contemporary dance class, and I went to Las Vegas with Ryan and two of our friends.  I worked on several other things that have been on my bucket list for a while, and changed my focus from what I couldn’t seem to do (conceive a baby) to what I could do.  

We still don’t feel that our family is complete, and very much want a sibling for Levi.  

We are not sure what this might look like, but we will continue to pray for direction and clarity in this situation. 

Thank you for those of you who have supported us through this year.  We cherish your prayers and love!

Thank you for reading <3