Unanswered Prayers and an Unexpected Discovery

There are several ways to respond to unanswered prayers.  In my own experience, this has most commonly been bitterness, anger, and confusion.  Unfortunately, all of those responses are negative and destructive.   I’m slowly learning that it doesn’t have to be that way, and most recently, I’ve come to realize that acceptance is a more appropriate response to unanswered prayer.  Although this choice of acceptance in the midst of waiting has not come easily, it's been a refreshingly unexpected discovery.  I wanted to write a bit about what we've been going through lately, not only because it’s been on my heart for a long time, but maybe because it’s a story that someone else can relate to.

We’ve been waiting and praying for baby #2 for a long time, and I’ve gone through a wide range of emotions during this journey.  There was a point a short time ago that I was bitter whenever someone posted a birth announcement, newborn photos or pregnancy pictures.  It was a destructive mindset to have, and I realize now that there was no benefit to feel this way.  It came to a point where I was struggling to feel happy, and I suddenly realized something needed to change.  I spoke with someone who was able to help redirect my thoughts and look at the situation in a different light.  It was such a beneficial conversation, and I’ve been able to change my mindset about what we have been dealing with.

Since that time, I have found myself stepping back from my own struggles and asking God what He’s trying to teach me.  I realized that He has a plan, and I can either fight Him, or make the most of the situation He’s placed me in.  I’ve recalled several times over the past few months how, after two years of waiting, it became so obvious that God knew what he was doing when He blessed us with Levi.  He had perfect timing, and looking back, it’s so amazing to see how He had His hand in that situation.  Hindsight is 20/20 though, and it’s often clear why things turn out the way they did when you’re looking back.  Sometimes it seems like the waiting would be less painful if we would have an idea of how things would turn out, but God has a reason for why we can’t see what will happen.  

It wouldn’t require any trust.  

So, I am choosing to trust that God has this situation in His hand.  Instead of passively waiting, I have chosen to be proactive and productive and hopefully learn something along the way.  I have found that this slight shift in my mindset has made a world of difference.  I no longer feel bitterness at other’s announcements, and although it is still hard, I realize that I can be both happy for someone’s news, and sad for our lack of it.  This realization was not an easy one to understand at first, however, I recently read a book that helped make it more clear.  It is called “Hannah’s Hope”, and It is written by a woman who has gone through years of infertility.  It details her emotions and experiences during this time, and includes references to applicable verses, as well as stories of couples who have dealt with infertility, loss and adoption struggles.  While reading this book, I learned to look at our situation with a new perspective, and realize that I have control over how I react. 

In case you’re maybe unsure of what exactly it is we’re going through, I’ll give you a bit of background on our situation.

What we are going through is called “secondary infertility”.  It is a fairly unknown term, as it is not something that is talked about very much.  The people who belong in this group have one living biological child, but have not been able to conceive a second.  Often, couples in this group are asked why they are not happy with the one child they do have.  It’s not that we don’t feel beyond blessed to have one child.  We realize that some couples are unable conceive at all, it’s just that we’re torn between being happy with one child, and wanting to grow our families and provide our child with a sibling. 

I have also been placed in the category of “unexplained infertility”.  We have been working with a fertility specialist frequently over the past several years, who has given us a ton of information and has helped us immensely through this season of waiting.  Although I’ve had many ultrasounds, a substantial amount of blood work, several tests and endless appointments, my infertility remains fairly unexplained.  They have determined that I have subclinical PCOS (a very mild form), and well controlled hypothyroidism, but otherwise every other test has come back fine.  As much as it is encouraging to know that there’s nothing seriously wrong with me or Ryan, it’s frustrating to know that there is not a concrete diagnosis.  

With this knowledge, the biggest changes my doctor has recommended is to continue with regular exercise and maintaining a healthy diet.  Several years ago, my cycles were extremely irregular.  Through regular exercise and a healthy diet, I have managed to regulate my cycles.  Within the past few months, I have done a bit more research to see what else I am able to change.  With a suggestion from a coworker, I decided to try acupuncture.  The research behind acupuncture and fertility is strong, and I thought I might as well give it a shot.  Through my acupuncturist, I have also learned of an effective diet change to increase fertility.  This involves including foods that are high in fibre and have a low glycemic index.  This diet is designed to help regulate the impact of insulin on the body, and therefore have a positive effect on my cycles.  Through this meal plan, we have started to include more legumes, whole grains, whole foods and fibre into our diets, and I have already noticed a positive change.  It’s amazing how such a simple thing can make such a big difference, and I've enjoyed learning about this new way of eating!  

Along with the meal plan, I have also continued to maintain a fairly regular exercise program.  I try to incorporate a half hour routine into each day and have found a fitness yoga routine that not only comes with physical, but emotional benefits as well.  

Between meal planning, regular exercise, seed cycling (which is designed to help regulate certain hormones throughout the cycle.  More on that here) and educating myself on these things, I’ve found that I can have a different mindset and attitude about our situation.  

I can’t say that I don’t have bad days.  Overall, however, my attitude has been more positive than negative.  It’s been a lot of work to get there, but God has been faithful.  I know He’s got His hand in this, and we’ll continue to pray.  We don’t know what He has planned for us, and maybe it won’t be the answer we’re looking for, but I will do my best to be as proactive and productive as I can while we wait!

Unanswered prayers.

Sometimes the answer will be yes… sometimes the answer is no, but I’m finding out that there’s always a lesson to be learned while you wait.  This was an unexpected and surprising, yet refreshing discovery.  Although we are still praying fervently for a second child, we are thankful that we have been able to learn and grow together in the meantime.   

Questions....

People have been asking a few questions lately about how Levi is doing.  I thought I'd give a little update.

Overall, he is doing great!  He is turning two in October and loves to run, jump, play at the park, meet new people, crash trucks together and create games and activities with his incredible imagination.  He is a smart, fun-loving, busy kid and has developed quite the personality.  He has such an easy-going nature, which has helped with the plethora of appointments, check ups and tests that he has had to go through in the past while.  He has many specialists and doctors that all stem from his initial cleft palate and lip and he will continue to be seen by these wonderful people as he continues to develop.  

The main thing that he is currently being seen for is his hearing.  His last two tests showed that his level of hearing was slightly less than what it should be.  They are not sure why this is the case, as his tubes are open.  It may be something to do with his inner ear though, and they will continue to investigate if it needs to be treated.  

We are also still working on speech development with him.  He is behind his age group, however has been making small gains over the past while.  The decreased hearing isn’t helping matters, but he definitely can hear more than what he could before his second set of tubes.  We have noticed him respond more quickly to us, and he has developed new sounds that he had never tried before, which is encouraging!  He also has a list of words that he uses on a frequent basis, including: ‘hi, up, uh-oh, mama, more, dad, outside, cheese, see ya, please, yeah’ and quite a few others.  They may not be pronounced quite properly yet, but this is definitely an improvement over a few months ago!  We look forward to working more with his speech pathologist to continue to see development over the next several months.  

Stemming from Levi’s upcoming birthday is another question that I have begun to hear more frequently.  

“When is baby number 2 coming?”.  

It’s been popping up here and there for a while, but as Levi’s second birthday is approaching quickly in October, it seems to be the query of choice.  

Other moms at the park, acquaintances, strangers we don’t know, people throughout our day to day life, even medical professionals who see Levi or I…  “Isn’t it time for a second?” is the question that I’ve been hearing quite regularly.  

No one means any harm by these questions.  It is natural to be curious.  However, it sometimes doesn't cross people’s minds that it might be a sensitive topic.  Maybe it’s not as simple as “when will you have another?”, because maybe we’ve been wondering that ourselves.  Maybe the timeline isn’t working out to what society has deemed ideal, and maybe it’s been something that we’ve been praying and wishing for.  

It seems that our timeline and God’s timeline may be slightly different, as it often is.  We’re in a stage of waiting on Him and we’re praying for patience and trusting that He’s got it all figured out.  And He does.  He always does.  

After all, we’ve been here before.  

When we were made to wait for our precious little Levi, the timing couldn’t have worked out more perfectly.  It was made loud and clear that He’s got it all figured out.  We know that He’s got our best interests at heart, and we trust that He’s got a plan; we’re just not sure what it all involves.  It’s just a bit tough to wait sometimes, you know?  

I know that we’re not nearly at the stage that some couples are made to wait for.  I realize that we have already been blessed with a beautiful child, and some couples are still waiting for their precious bundle.  Maybe I don’t have a right to be impatient yet.  But each couple has different trials at different stages and a lot of them are invisible to the outside world.  A lot of their struggles, disappointments and challenges go unannounced, but they exist and they are very real.  Sometimes you may find those people are comfortable and willing to share their journey, and sometimes they're not at that point yet.  Whatever the case, my message is just to be sensitive to the questions that you are asking.  You never know what someone else is going through.  

Whew... what a weekend

Well, this weekend is definitely one to remember.  As some of you may know, both Ryan and Levi have dealt with quite a bit this weekend and I thought I’d give a little bit more explanation as to what has been happening. 

Late last week, Ryan had noticed some discomfort in his abdomen, which he attributed to indigestion or something similar.  By Thursday night it was continuing to get worse, and nothing he tried seemed to provide relief.  On Friday morning, we decided to visit our local walk in clinic, not only for Ryan, but also for Levi (more about that later).  The Dr. wasn’t sure what was happening either, and sent Ryan home with an antacid, mentioning that if it wasn’t indigestion he would most likely be back with increased symptoms.

Sure enough, by midmorning Ryan had such intense pain that he had to go back to the walk in clinic, where they called him an ambulance to St. Paul’s hospital.  After some blood work and an ultrasound, they determined that the pain he was having was caused by gallstones.  More specifically, there was one gallstone that had become lodged and was preventing bile from passing from the gallbladder.  There were also several more that could be seen on the ultrasound.  Apparently these can be hereditary, which makes sense in Ryan’s case, since it runs in his family.  His gallbladder will need to be removed but this surgery wasn’t able to be performed on Friday, since the surgeon was already gone for the weekend.  He has an appointment tomorrow morning to check a few more things, then hopefully there will be a surgery scheduled for tomorrow.  We’re thankful for a quick response time from the ambulance and for great care from the team at St. Paul’s hospital.  Ryan was seen promptly and diagnosed in a timely manner, and now we’re just praying that the rest of his surgeries and recovery will be just as prompt.    

Now, more on the smaller fellow in my life....

Levi has had a cough for over two weeks now, and we took him to the walk in clinic on Friday with concerns about it interrupting his sleep and the duration of his cough.  The Dr wasn’t able to do much, saying it was just a viral infection and sent us home with a prescription for an inhaler.  We tried using it as prescribed, with not much change.  This morning, we noticed his breathing had gotten more laboured, and we decided to take him to RUH emergency.  There, we were met with prompt service and were very impressed with the care from our nurses and doctor.  The doctor suspected croup, and prescribed two different kinds of inhalers, and an oral steroid.  Since then, it seems like Levi has responded quite well.  He still has a cough that can get pretty scary sometimes, but overall is doing a little better.  

It’s been quite the weekend, with not much rest and too much stress but we’re all getting through it.  We’re very thankful for our healthcare system, and for family and friends who have all contributed to helping these guys get the best care possible. 

We hope to get some more answers in regards to Ryan’s situation tomorrow, and are praying that Levi will continue to get better with the medication as prescribed.  We also hope that this will be the most hospital visits and overall craziness we have in our household for a long time!

It's about time for an update!

I realized the other day that I haven’t provided a new blog post in a long time!  A few people have been asking how Levi is doing, so I thought that now would be a good time to give you a little update. 

Levi is such a little trooper, and we’ve been so proud of how well he’s been doing.  It’s been almost a year since his surgery, and everyone has been very happy with how well it has healed, which has been encouraging to hear.  There is still a very small fistula (hole) in the roof of his mouth, but this opening has actually shrunk quite a bit from a few months ago.  Depending on how the fistula reacts to the development of the tissues on the roof of his mouth, the surgeon may or may not have to perform another small operation to close that up. We have a follow up appointment with his surgeon in June to see how everything is looking.  In the meantime, the fistula doesn’t seem to affect him too much.  It may still decrease his ability to suck efficiently, so we haven’t tried a straw with him, but I don’t think that it’s too serious that he’s missing out on that skill right now.

One of the biggest things that he is dealing with right now is a combination of hearing tests and speech development.  When Levi had his initial lip repair, they also did a small surgery to put tubes in his ears.  Often cleft palate kids have trouble with fluid in their ears, since there is an opening in the palate that shouldn’t be there.  These tubes fell out just last month, which was what we expected.  However, right around the time they fell out he also caught RSV (a respiratory virus) which then developed into a bacterial infection.  It was unfortunate timing, and along with a lot of coughing, there was also a lot of snot.  Yuck.  He was placed on antibiotics, and is perfectly fine now, but since his tubes were no longer in place and there was so much fluid, a lot of it wasn’t able to drain properly.  He had his hearing tested on Wednesday this week, and the audiologist determined that his ability to hear has decreased substantially.  He recommended that Levi go for another surgery to get a second set of tubes.  This will happen in around 6 weeks.  

On one hand, it’s a bit discouraging to know that Levi will have to go for yet another surgery in his short little life, and get put under again.  But on the other hand, it’s very encouraging to know that this is quite a simple surgery and will help not only his hearing but also his speech development.  At this point, because he has had fluid in his ears for quite some time, he hasn’t been able to properly hear sounds or words.  We have had several speech therapy appointments, and have gotten lots of tips on how to work with Levi.  We have noticed some progress over the past little while…  he’s been trying a few new sounds, and definitely understands concepts and instructions.  Despite this, he is still a bit behind where he should be in speech development, and we have a ways to go.  This surgery will help clear up his hearing and hopefully help catch him up in the speech department.  He also can’t hear himself properly, and often is quite loud.  This upcoming surgery will hopefully help with that, too!  

So that’s where we’re at right now!  Thanks to those of you who have been praying for him; we appreciate it.  And thanks for reading!