I’m not sure what to think about this past year.
In many ways, it was a year of growth and change, which is never a bad thing. At the same time, it was a year of disappointments and unanswered prayers.
Ryan and I had such high hopes for 2017.
About this time last year, we were beginning to get excited about our upcoming fertility treatments with our new specialist. We had done our research, met with our new doctor and had decided on pursuing IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). We had prayed about this decision for a long time, and had felt a clear direction and peace about it.
In mid-January, we did the tests, blood work, ultrasounds and medications in preparation for our IUI on January 20. I also had to learn how to give myself an injection prior to the appointment, which was quite nerve-wracking and a little intimidating.
The morning of our procedure came, and we headed in for our early morning appointment, nervous and excited. Everything went very well and we left feeling hopeful about the result.
Then came the two week wait.
For anyone who has dealt with anything fertility related, the two week wait is horrible. It defies time and space, as it doesn’t just last two weeks… it seems to last two months. You analyze every sign or symptom, and anxiety builds as you wonder if what you’re feeling is the start of a pregnancy or if the procedure wasn’t successful. It short, it sucks.
We knew we had so many people praying for us, though, which helped immensely. The support of family and friends was tangible, and we were so grateful for this outpouring of love.
Exactly two weeks after our procedure, I went to the clinic to get my blood test done.
I was told the lab would analyze it as soon as they could, and I would get a call later that day telling me if it was positive or negative. I was so nervous.
I went to work that same day, but I can’t remember anything about that morning. All I could think about was getting that call.
The call came around noon that day.
Negative.
We were so disappointed, but surprisingly we weren’t devastated. I found that we had a unexpected peace about the situation, and knew that was only from God. We took time to process our news and we prayed about our next step. We felt direction to pursue a second IUI the following month.
February came, and we prepared for our second procedure. We hadn’t lost hope, and were so sure that it would work this time.
The procedure went extremely well, even better than the last time, and we left the clinic feeling so excited. We felt that this one would definitely stick, and that the blood work would surely confirm that we had conceived our second child.
The two week wait dragged on, though, and was even more draining than the first time. I found myself struggling mentally and emotionally as I pleaded with God to please allow this to be successful. I cried out to Him, telling Him all the reasons we needed this to work… we wanted Levi to have a sibling. We wanted to raise another little one to know Him. We wanted to bless our parents with another little grandchild. I desperately wanted to experience pregnancy again, and to hopefully have a chance to breastfeed this time.
There were so many reasons.
Then came the call. We found out that it was not successful.
This one hit us a bit harder, and we felt betrayed by God. Why would He give us such a peace about pursuing IUI, if He wasn’t going to allow it to work? Why would we put so much time, energy and money into this procedure, only to have it fail?
We decided to step back from medical procedures for a month while we thought about it. We took a break from everything fertility related, and took a much needed hiatus while we just breathed.
We sought further direction about our next step from friends, family, our doctors, and from God, and felt led to try one more time. Our doctor had told us that we could try up to four times, but we decided that emotionally, it was the better decision to stop at three.
So in April, we went all in. The whole nine yards.
This was our last attempt at IUI, and we wanted to make sure that we did everything we could to help it be a positive result.
I took some time off work, so I could focus on booking and attending the required appointments, without having to juggle my work schedule.
We asked for prayer from family, friends and our church family. There were so many people praying for us, and we spent so much time in prayer ourselves.
I looked up every Bible verse I could think of about trusting, about waiting and about His plan for our lives.
In mid-April, we went for our final procedure with eager hearts, anticipating that this would be the time it would work. By this time, we knew what to expect, and were quite calm about the procedure. Even giving myself an injection was easy (at least, compared to the first time I did it)!
The procedure went amazingly well… the best yet.
We tried to be as positive as we could during the wait. We prayed boldly that a new little life would be growing inside me. All of our family and friends surrounded us with their prayers and encouragement.
And then, two weeks later, we found out that it did not work.
We were not pregnant.
We were heartbroken. Why, God? Why not this time?
We didn’t understand why it wasn't successful, and our doctors couldn’t give us any answers either. It was a hard reality to accept, but we knew we were done pursuing treatments at that time.
We still don’t completely understand what God is doing in our lives. We had felt such direction and peace about pursuing these treatments, and I fully expected that 2017 would be the year we would be welcoming a second child into our family, or discovering the existence of a new little life inside me.
Now 2017 is over, and that prayer was not answered. It's already several days into 2018, and I am still having trouble processing that fact.
Despite the disappointment that this year provided, I did mention that 2017 still allowed me opportunities for growth and change. Since pregnancy did not seem to be an option, I was able to pursue activities that would have been more difficult had I been pregnant or nursing an infant. I ran a 5 km race, I joined a lyrical and contemporary dance class, and I went to Las Vegas with Ryan and two of our friends. I worked on several other things that have been on my bucket list for a while, and changed my focus from what I couldn’t seem to do (conceive a baby) to what I could do.
We still don’t feel that our family is complete, and very much want a sibling for Levi.
We are not sure what this might look like, but we will continue to pray for direction and clarity in this situation.
Thank you for those of you who have supported us through this year. We cherish your prayers and love!
Thank you for reading <3
