Tomorrow, I turn 30.
As I think back on my last three decades (and especially my twenties), I can’t help but imagine how different my life would look if things had gone the way I had pictured… instead of how God clearly has intended my life to go.
You see, I never pictured myself walking the path of infertility, or having a child with cleft palate. I envisioned that when my husband and I decided to have children, that we would be able to do so without years of wondering and waiting, and that when we did, we wouldn’t have as many medical hurdles to jump over as we do now.
I guess God had a different plan!
The last several years have tested me in more ways than I ever could have imagined. Experiencing both primary and secondary infertility, and watching my son go through as many surgeries as he has, have been some of the hardest things I have ever gone through.
I have felt anger and sorrow. Impatience and frustration. Grief and sadness.
At the same time, I have also felt the incredible joy of being a mother, excitement for what the future holds and a greater appreciation for the child I do have.
I have been inspired by the strength Levi has showed during his young life and the procedures he has gone though. He has demonstrated an incredible attitude toward his many medical appointments and is so patient and easy-going during his hospital visits. And I have been so grateful for the love and care of my husband, who has walked this same path with me.
I have seen that this season of my life has shaped me more than I would have expected. It has shaped my thoughts, my response to circumstances and my personality.
And I have learned so much.
I have learned about infertility and how many lives it affects.
I have learned about treatments, whether invasive, expensive, natural or medicinal. About health, nutrition, and fitness and how they impact fertility.
I have learned almost everything there is to learn about cleft lip and palate. About the surgeries, the appointments and the impact on development. And how it seems like kids who have gone through medical challenges are some of the strongest kids out there.
About depression and anxiety. About how emotions can sometimes get the best of you when you least expect it, and how to be aware of this.
I have learned about deferred hope... it really does make the heart sick. But I am slowly learning it's possible to have hope even when answers are unseen, and to have joy in the wait.
And I have learned how to be more sensitive to those around me. It’s impossible to know someone’s journey in one glance.
I have learned that despite the fact that some circumstances seem so bleak, that God can use those times to teach you something that you wouldn’t otherwise have learned.
I have discovered that God has used this journey to bring me into relationship with so many people who I otherwise would not have met. I have walked with women during their own infertility journeys, and I have been a source of information to those who may not be as familiar with this path. I have supported women in various ways through my experience of raising a child with cleft lip and palate. And I have made close, life-long friends because of these experiences.
I have seen God work in miraculous ways in my life, and am reminded of His presence again and again. I know He is there, and even though our prayer for a second child has not yet been answered, I am grateful for the things I have learned during this time of waiting.
So, even though I would have not pictured this journey for my life, I have realized that God designed this road specifically for me. To teach me, to change me and to develop me into the person he wants me to be.
It’s been an interesting 30 years. I look forward to what He has planned for the next 30!
