Four of the most important lessons that I didn't think I needed to learn

Infertility.  It's a season of waiting, frustration and fears.  It's also a season of patience, learning and growing stronger. 

Throughout this season of our lives, one filled with uncertainty and unanswered prayers, I have grown in ways I never thought possible, and learned more lessons than I expected to.  Everyone who travels this path has different experiences along the way.  By no means are my thoughts going to be the same as someone else who has gone through the trials of infertility, but some of you may relate to the things I have learned. 

These have definitely not been easy lessons.  They have not been smooth and I have not wanted to accept them.  

But they have been important.  They have been eye-opening, life changing lessons that have affected me greatly and changed me emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Here are four of the most important things that I have learned on our infertility journey.

When we experienced primary infertility while trying for our first child, I did not share my frustrations or experiences very willingly.  I thought that it was something that I needed to keep to myself.  I have since realized that it is important to share with those who can give support.  Now, as we experience secondary infertility as we try for our second child, my husband and I have both been more open with our experiences.  It is still not an easy process, but it takes a bit of the burden off.  I have also gotten great feedback from sharing a few details of our journey through this blog.  It is a place that I can reach out to those who might be going through similar things, and where my experiences might be used to encourage those people.

By all means, my husband and I still make sure that we are each other’s closest confidants, but we are open to sharing with friends and family who express an interest in providing support and prayer.  

Not only do I know that we have a great support network of friends and family, but as a Christian, I also know that I have the strength of Christ carrying me through this journey.  Without Him, and the amazing people He puts in our life, we wouldn’t have the endurance to continue on.

At some points in life, even though it may seem like we have strength and endurance to carry on, sometimes the best choice is to take a step back.

This might look different for everyone, but for me it came as a pretty eye-opening, life-changing transition.  

This summer, after several years of trials (with infertility being only one factor amongst others), I reached a low point in our journey.  I was rarely happy, often irritable and overwhelmingly discouraged.  I didn’t recognize the seriousness of it at the time, but looking back, I should have sought help sooner.  

It took a medical professional to help me recognize that I had reached a breaking point.  

I had approached my doctor with some concerns I had regarding my memory and ability to concentrate.  I had noticed for several months that I just didn’t have the same ability to focus like I normally did, and it had started to negatively affect my ability to do my job.  I knew it was something I was concerned about, but not once did I assume that the cause had anything to do with our infertility journey.  The first question she asked when I brought these concerns to her, was how my mood had been.  When she told me that low mood and decreased concentration often go hand in hand, it all began to make sense.  I hadn’t realized that they could be so closely connected, but it did fit with what I had been experiencing.  I started to make some changes in my life that would allow me to regain a more positive outlook on life.  I took a long break from Facebook, knowing that the constant source of social media (and with it newborn photos, pregnancy announcements and cute baby bumps) did not help my situation.  I started to be more diligent with eating and exercising well, and started to recognize other triggers of low mood in my life.  

Ultimately, these changes were helpful but not enough to reverse the downward cycle of depression and anxiety that I had started on.  I continued to struggle at work, and in June 2016, my doctor put me on a medical leave from work for 9 weeks.  

This was a huge step, and a situation I never thought I would be in.  I am someone who likes to deal with her problems privately and quietly, and this seemed like a drastic change.  It was a step that I was uncertain with at first, but it turned out to be exactly what I needed.  

During this medical leave, I continued to work on the changes I had started in spring, but I took even more steps on my path to healing.  One of the biggest things I did was to enrol myself in an online course that centred around Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.  My doctor gave me the information for this course, which is developed through the University of Regina.  It is a great resource for those who have symptoms of depression and anxiety.  To sum up the course in a few words, it helped me to change my thought patterns, to view my situation in a different light and to recognize unhelpful attitudes and thoughts surrounding my circumstances.  

(If you have questions about this course, please don't hesitate to message me, or talk to your doctor about it.)

I also started seeing a counsellor regularly, who gave me even more information on how to process the challenges we were facing.  

Throughout the summer, I made sure to spend time figuring out what my priorities were in life.  The shadow of an inability to conceive had darkened my thoughts, and I had forgotten about the most important things in my life.  I reconnected with my husband, found renewed joy in raising the child I do have, and enjoyed time with family and friends.  

Ryan and I also decided to take a break from pursuing fertility treatments during this time, which gave us both a much needed break from the stresses of appointments, medications and blood work.  

We made a point of enjoying our summer to the fullest, and were intentional about spending quality time as a family of three. 

During the summer, it was also discovered that I had been prescribed an incorrect dosage of my thyroid medication (a medication I have taken for several years, but the dosage had been adjusted more recently).  It turned out that this incorrect dosage had been contributing to my memory and concentration difficulties.  Upon correction of this dosage, and having had a chance to learn how to handle stress more effectively, I regained my ability to concentrate. 

Overall, my medical leave gave me the chance to reevaluate our situation, to gain a fresh perspective on our infertility journey and to give me some new energy to face the long road ahead.  

This step back was exactly what I needed to take the next step forward.

     

After a summer of learning about the physiological response to stress, I realized that to have any sanity in the midst of uncertainty, I would need to find a source of calm.

Yoga, rock climbing, coloring, and journalling.  These are the de-stressors that have become an essential part of my life. 

I have always found yoga to be a great way to relax and unwind at the end of the day.  It’s become a habit that I’ve kept up for several years.  

More recently, I have discovered that rock climbing is a great way to de-stress.  When I’m on the wall, I am not thinking about anything but staying on the wall and finishing the problem.  It’s an amazing way to get my mind off life and our infertility journey.  

Coloring is the relaxing, calming activity that allows my creative side to emerge and gives my mind a break from reality.  There are no rules with colouring, and it's a great outlet after a stressful day.  

Journalling allows me to process whatever thought or emotion I am dealing with, in a constructive way.  It’s a place to vent, to write down fears, hopes and insecurities.  It also allows the chance to look back and see how far I’ve come, and that there are always answers to prayer, no matter how small they are.

If I can give you any advice, whether you are dealing with infertility or any of the other stressful things life brings… find a source of calm and pursue it consistently.  

Years ago, when we experienced our first session of infertility we began to see a fertility specialist who took us through a series of tests and treatments.  Her suggestions didn't end up working, and we took a step back from her treatments.  To our surprise and by the grace of God, we were able to conceive Levi naturally.  

During this second session of infertility, we started seeing the same specialist.  She was ok to deal with, but her suggestions and advice were the same as before, and we felt like she was no longer providing us with the care we needed.  We received a different referral from my family doctor and started seeing a new specialist this winter.  Already, with the first appointment, we have felt heard, and well cared for, and we appreciated the fresh set of eyes on our situation. She gave us some new information and statistics that we had not heard before, and made some suggestions that our other specialist had not presented us with.  

She told us that after two years of trying to conceive, the chances of conception per month drops from 20% to 2%.  Since Ryan and I have been trying to a conceive for more than two years, we are part of that statistic of 2%.  This was a statistic that we had not heard before, and was very eye-opening.

We have always known that we are dealing with unexplained infertility.  All of our tests have always come back normal and nothing is blatantly wrong.  Since Levi was conceived without any intervention, we thought that we had the same chances of conceiving our second child as any other couple.  Apparently this is not the case, and we now have a very low chance of conceiving naturally.  With this new information, we realized we would need to pursue greater medical intervention. 

So, with our new treatment team in place, a recommendation from our specialist, and with much consideration and prayer, we have decided to pursue IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) this month!

It's an understatement to say that we are very excited to take this step!  

We are excited that it will increase our chances of conception, and are very hopeful that it will be successful.  
At the same time, we can't help but be a little nervous, as it has a much greater financial and emotional commitment than any other treatments we have pursued up to this point.   
It's a big step, and one we hope will allow us to grow our family and give Levi a chance to be the wonderful big brother we know he will be.

While we don’t know if this will be successful, we are thankful for the prayers and support that we know we have from friends and family.  We appreciate it more than you know!!